Vent Post

Ok I need to vent for a while. I'm so sick of seeing, hearing and witnessing all these children who are being molested, beaten, or being plain ignored by parents who don’t deserve to have kids period. I honestly don’t understand why if God has so much power he doesn’t play a more active role in where HIS children end up!! It drives me up the walls to hear story after story of children being abused, in most cases more ways than 1. I’m sure if Clayton and I didn’t have to struggle so bad to have and keep children it wouldn’t have such a major effect on me. But since this is one of our major struggles in this life it makes my heart hurt that much more seeing crack whores and 13 years olds having kids.

I understand we all have our own battles we have to go through but everything we have had to endure has been completely out of our control. This drives me bonkers because Clayton and I are both very good about bridling our controls and passions. Neither Clayton nor I have struggled with addiction of substances or things we have not overcame with self-discipline. Given we had to postpone our temple marriage because we allowed our passions to overrule our virtue and the law of chastity. But that too we actually overcame and we were able to go months without it before we got married which was intensely hard because every time I saw him I wanted to just rip his clothes off.  I can only imagine what it was like for him being a man with an extra dose of testosterone to stay away from, especially after already breaking one of the most important laws of the Lord. But we overcame that and went through a lot of heartache and pain and suffering to be able to be forgiven. It’s a road I don’t encourage anyone to go down but I learned so much from that mistake that I wouldn’t change a thing. And that was fine for me to endure because that was my choice that was something I did to myself. I knew my consequences and was more than willing to pay the price.

What is hard for me to want to suffer through is something that is out of my control. Something I want so bad and something that is the eternal plan. Something I know I’m incredibly good at and something I get so much joy in doing, but for some reason it’s not easy for me… for us! Especially now that Arianna’s here I know how great of a husband AND father I’ m married to. Clayton is so good with his little girl that it breaks my heart that children are sent to broken families where there is no good male role model. Every child deserves to have a loving mom and dad. Someone who would give their own life for that child.

With all that said for whatever reason (even though modern medicine doesn’t know why) we are faced with child loss after child loss and now with this sweet miracle I’m carrying we have a long road ahead of us. It doesn’t make sense; I don’t want to have to go through it, but dang it I’m going to do it. And if I’m going to do it I might as well do it gracefully and with all the faith and devotion I have learned these past years. I still I have no idea the outcome of our little girl and I think that’s one of the reasons I’m going crazy and feel this way but whatever happens I’m up for it. I have learned just how strong I am because being strong is my only option; I will not give up… not ever. So bring on whatever may lie ahead because I’m a flippin’ warrior and will not surrender until my life has been taken from me.