December Grace Langston

It was late Tuesday night when my entire world got rocked from it's very foundation. All my hopes and wishes came to a screeching stop. Time stood still for a moment and when it finally starting to spin again it was oh so very slow. Clayton was at work and I needed to head to Young Women’s, the girls were throwing me and Naomi (another leader due 3 months after me) a baby shower. I was a nervous wreck because he had promised me that he would be home before I needed to go and it was now 15 min past. So I started to get Arianna and her car seat in the back of the freezing Jeep (without a cover) because i needed to be there. How bad does it look for me, the person who everyone is throwing the party for to be late. Finally right before i was about to turn the key to the Jeeps ignition Clayton showed up. He was infuriated because he had received his first speeding ticket since our marriage almost 7 years ago. I was mad because I was now 30 min late to my baby shower. So I gave him Arianna and sped off in the truck to get to the baby shower. While everyone was enjoying looking at us open our presents and play games I was noticing that i hadn't felt my baby kick. I have carried her for 8 months i know that whenever I'm just sitting she moves like crazy.

 

She has always been a mover and a groover. I first felt her first move when I was only 14 weeks pregnant, and she was very strong and always moving nonstop. I knew this was way out of character for her to not be moving especially when I was just sitting there. I kinda pushed it out of my head and tried to enjoy the party that was for my sweet baby girl.

When I got home Arianna was still awake so I started getting her to ready for bed. I laid down with her and just was getting sick to my stomach. I asked Clayton to get her to sleep and hardly had time to make it to the bathroom to puke everywhere. I knew something was defiantly wrong. I made myself get up and stumble to our bedroom I was crying at this point. I got out my trusty home doppler who has never let me down. I have used that doppler so many times I knew exactly where our babys heartbeat was. I turned it on and heard the old familiar static, I hurried and squoze some ultrasound gel on my belly stuck the doppler right where I have heard her heart beating so many times before. But all I heard was silence. "That's weird" I thought to myself maybe she has moved. I moved the wand to the other side of my belly, nothing there either. "Well maybe she's down low she's been pushing on my bladder very hard today" I told myself as I moved the doppler down towards my pubic bone. Nothing there either! Damn it where is she!! I took my stumbling shaking hand and started searching every inch of my very big and pregnant belly. I was in there for 15 min before Clayton came in. He asked me if I had found our babies heartbeat. I looked up at him with tears streaming down my face and shook my head no. I asked him maybe if he tried maybe he could find it. He looked at me and said you have found it hundreds of times I'm not going to be able to find it. He said we are going to the hospital right now.

 

By this time it was about 10pm i called up Labor and Delivery hardly able to speak and told them we are coming in because of decreased fetal movement and not being able to find a heartbeat on our doppler. Clayton got Arianna up from bed and put her in the truck. I got in the truck, I was in complete shock. All I can remember is saying this can't be true, this can't be true. Clayton looked at me and said "I guess this means we don't ever have to go to church or pay our tithing again". I looked at him and said "she's fine, maybe she's just turned funny, she can't be dead". We got to Labor and Delivery and they immediately got me hooked up to the monitor. The nurse could see that I was on the brink or breaking down. She kept moving the monitor trying to find a heartbeat, she finally found a faint slow heartbeat and looked me in the eye and said "there it is, everything's fine". I'm no amateur when it comes to knowing everything there is to know about pregnancy and heartbeats. I have heard 4 strong heartbeats from 4 of my other babies before they passed away too. I know that at 31 weeks along you should be able to hear the heartbeat just by placing your ear on my belly. I knew that hearing a faint slow heartbeat wasn't a good thing. She then said that she was going to call my Dr and see what he said. In the meantime they were going to do an ultrasound to find out more. The on call Dr. came into do the ultrasound. She got the wand out and put a little gel on my belly. She then applied a generous amount of gel on my belly and stopped. She had me look at the screen and said "I hate to be the one to tell you this but there is no cardiac movement from the heart". My heart sunk! My biggest fear, no not even that because I knew our baby was going to be just fine. I knew without a doubt that she was going to have her little surgery be in the NICU for a bit then be home and be a perfect healthy kid. So it wasn't my biggest fear because I never feared this happening. My biggest nightmare, the worst thing that could have happened happened! My baby had died!!!! I was crushed, I wanted for me to die and for her to be here. I would have done anything, I mean ANYTHING for her. I never worried about something like this happening, I thought once you got past 26 weeks no matter what issues you or the baby had modern medicine could save her. I never thought for one second that my almost full term baby could die within my body and not be saved. I wasn't prepared for this, how could this happen!! My dr came in 15 min after we found out that the child who we wanted and hoped for more than anything passed away. He was so kind and gentle and asked us what we wanted to do from here. We could get labor started right now wait a few days or wait until my body decides on its own. I defiantly didn't want to wait until my body decided so we worked out that in two days on Thursday November 8th we would start the labor process.

 

I thought by the time I go home I will have woken up from this horrible nightmare. I couldn't believe that this was true. My baby couldn't have died I was in a dream and I'm going to wake up any min and everything's going to be just fine. I'm going to wake up and have my huge round belly bouncing with my baby girl inside. This can't be true.

I didn't sleep one second that night. I just cried uncontrollably I didn't think my body could produce anymore tears but somehow they kept coming. I got in the hottest bath I could stand because for once it didn't matter how hot the water was when I was pregnant. I actually stopped crying for about 3 minutes because the hot water felt so good on my skin. Then I remembered why I could enjoy this unusually hot bath and I started crying again.

By the time morning came I had cried so much that my vision was only seen out of the tiniest slits of my eyes. My eyes were so puffy and swollen that it hurt to blink. I hadn't woken from my dream yet this can't be real. Clayton got the day off work and my mom came over around 10am. Joan and Vanice came over and all three of them got my house sparkly clean. Then Joan and Vanice took Arianna so that Clayton and I and my mom could talk or just stare in disbelief. We somehow made it through that day. It was so weird walking around with a big round pregnant belly and not feeling movement. I kept poking and pushing her hoping to feel her come back to life.

 

Earlier that week I was wanting to get our baby girls name narrowed down we had come up with December Grace Or Scarlett Ann. We wanted to have her middle name be my mom's name since Arianna's is Joan (Clayton's mom's name). But December Carol was just too Christmassy and I love the name Grace. My mom's middle name is Ann so if we chose Scarlett her middle name would be Ann. I now know why I had the strong urge to get narrow our name list down.

Wednesday night came and if it hadn't been for the ambien my mom left for me it would have been another sleepless night. Thursday morning around 4am I was in taking another unusually hot bath. I got a phone call just after 5am while still in the bath that Labor and Delivery was ready for me and I can come in as soon as I'm ready. I was a little shocked it was so soon. I wasn't expecting to go so early. I woke Clayton up and we both started to get ready. It's interesting how you wonder what to wear for the first and last time you will see someone. I remember Clayton trying on at least 2 different shirts before he was satisfied. We packed up the cameras and the video recorder I remember packing up our baby girls outfits (not the once happy anticipation of her wearing them for the first time but knowing she was only to wear them once to take pictures in so we can always remember her). We woke up Arianna and headed to the hospital. It was the most somber and quiet ride to deliver a baby I could ever imagine. Clayton looked at me and said to break the silence "I remember it being a lot more fun when we went to do this last time". Such words couldn't be spoken more true. This wasn't the fun exciting anticipation I was expecting just 2 days earlier, this sucked and I didn't want to do this.

They got us a room away from the main labor and delivery area so we wouldn't have to hear and witness others getting what they wanted and in some cases didn't want. About 30 min later they came in and told us a bigger nicer room with a tub had opened up, but it was right in the middle of all the other ladies with live babies. We decided to make the move. By this point in our lives we knew other people didn't have to stress and worry about their pregnancies like us. We know that people weather I agree with it or not are going to pop out kids left and right with hardly a blink of an eye, not knowing that life is so fragile and can be taken so easily. We know that other people have normal healthy kids. It was a great room. It was the room that if everything would have worked out the way I wanted it to I would probably be in. It was one of the new rooms they put in with the birthing tub. They had a CD with serene and calm music playing. They had ombience lighting so even when the room was dim you could still see.

 

Because I wanted to get an Amnio done to see if our baby passed because of a chromosome abnormality, although I knew she didn't, we had to wait until 9 to see the MFM Dr. Hales. He did an ultrasound and baby girl was measuring right on track for 31 weeks. But she was still, and she wasn't moving. I clung to the hope that maybe they were all wrong and she was still ok. I had the hope that maybe during this ultrasound our baby would be moving. But she wasn't she had died just a few days before, the one place where she should be protected she had died. They stuck a long skinny needle in my belly and began to draw my baby’s amniotic fluid. It was tinged brown another indicator her life had ceased. When they were finally done we went back to our room and they now began to induce my labor.

 

My body wasn't ready to deliver a baby. My cervix was closed and everything was still very high. They put sidoteck near my cervix to help soften things and get my body to start contracting. It took 4 doses of the medicine and 9 hrs. of waiting before there was enough room in there for my Dr. to break my water. They started me on the Pitocin to increase my contractions and I decided to get an epidural at the point as well. I wasn't in much pain physically but I didn't want to feel any more pain then everything I was already feeling. I wanted to die! My heart was so broken that it would hurt less if I were to die. Why couldn't I have died instead of my baby, this just wasn't fair. We had lots of family and friends come and support us during the early labor phase. It's crazy how much love and support we have around us.

 

Finally at around 11:30pm my Dr. came in to check me he said it's time to start pushing. I was scared out of my mind. If I push her out that means this whole thing is real. I don't want her to be dead; if I keep her inside I can live in my fantasy world thinking everything is ok. But with much help from a higher power I had the strength to push my beautiful baby out. I remember it perfectly. The lights were dim; we had the music playing softly. There was only Clayton, Me, my mom, Stephanie, the Dr and one nurse. It was calm and serene there was no need for bright lights and a whole team of medical personal to access my babies health because she was born still. She came out with little effort on my part and Clayton cut the cord. I remember him looking at me and the look in his eyes said "she's absolutely beautiful". She was handed to me, i didn't know what to expect. I was worried and terrified, but as soon as she came into my arms an overwhelming peace and comfort came over me. She was perfect and beautiful. She looked just like Arianna. She had a headful of precious dark curly hair. She had long eyelashes just like Arianna's. She had the same facial structures and even the same face. She had perfect ears, perfect tiny hands and feet I remember looking at her toe nails and finger nails which already needed to be clipped. Her omphalocele was so small and was barley bigger than the umbilical cord. She was PERFECT! Absolutely perfect and beautiful.

 

Our December Grace came at 11:49pm November 8th of 2012. She was 3lbs 14oz and 17.5 in long. She grew absolutely beautifully until the day she passed. Her placenta and umbilical cord were healthy and full and thick. She was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. I held her in my arms with her warm body pressed up against mine. Everything was complete she was perfect, how could she have died! I kept thinking she's going to take a breath any moment and be ok but I knew in my heart that her work was done. She came to us and now was gone. How unfair that I was the only one to have known this amazing little girl. How unfair that the world would be without the sweetest most beautiful girl to have ever graced the earth. How unfair we don't get to raise her and see her grow up and get married and have so much joy. How unfair the only things to remember her by was the way we felt and the images ingrained on my soul. Looking at her beautiful body I knew she was something special. I remember looking at her long body she felt like a full term baby the only thing that gave away that she was 31 weeks was her skinny body; her skin was wrinkled because she didn’t have the time to fill it out yet.

 

We spent the whole night with her. Holding her and cuddling her. Telling her now much we missed her. After about 2 hours. They took her body to clean her up and do photo’s. Those moments were hard I wanted to study every inch of her, for the first time I was mad that I had gotten the epidural. I wanted to be with her every second I had because I knew this was the only time I could but I was stuck to the hospital bed unable to move my legs. I wanted to never forget any of her features. They brought our baby back with the outfit I had picked out for her newborn photo’s just 1 week before at the what women want expo. I couldn’t believe how well she filled it out. She was beautiful and for one moment I forgot that my precious daughter’s life had passed. She looked so real and alive to me, and then I saw her face and reality came back to me. Babies with the spirit in their bodies have color to their faces, there skin doesn’t look like its lacking water, and every joint doesn’t go limp when you transfer your live baby to the arms of someone else. The hardest thing for me to watch was when my mom transferred December into Clayton’s arms. He was looking at his sweet beautiful daughter he had created and after about 30 sec. started crying and shaking uncontrollably. It broke my heart into even more pieces. I tried to get off the bed and comfort him to hold him and tell him this isn’t fair. But my body was still numb from the epidural I tried with all my might to get my legs to move so I could be with the one person who has been through everything with me, but they just wouldn’t move. So I had to sit there and watch the man who helped create this beautiful child with me cry without me being able to be there for him. That was the hardest thing to watch! He wanted December Grace just as much as I did. He knew just like me that she was going to be another little miracle just like Arianna. We were both caught off guard by the devastating, life changing death of our daughter.

 

It was hard watching her change from a perfect body to one that was degenerating right before our very eyes. It’s amazing how fast a dead body changes when introduced to the outside world.  That was the hardest thing for Clayton to deal with. Her skin within a matter of hours went from a healthy pink to a deathly purple and yellow. Her lips which were once dark pink turned a deep shade of red. Her skin that was fully intact upon delivery was breaking apart and peeling up. She was even spilling blood down her face when you tipped her head too far forward. I didn’t think our hearts could sink any lower but yet again I was proved wrong. The hardest thing about watching your daughter’s body decay in front of our eyes is knowing that there is nothing Clayton or I could do to stop it or make it better. There was no Band-Aid big enough, no Dr. skilled enough, no prayers deep enough that could bring her back. We were stuck seeing our baby “return to the earth” when we weren’t ready to. I can’t think of anything more heartbreaking then for a parent to watch their child’s body wither away along with all the hopes and dreams they had for that child. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Life is for the young and death is for the old, how could this get switched around so badly? Didn’t our so called “loving” heavenly father see that this was wrong? Have we not been through enough already? Why would he allow this to happen? How could someone with all power sit up on his throne and stand by watching this all unfold and not stop it?

 

After being able to hold our daughter for 10 hours we finally said our goodbyes. I told her how much I loved her and how I wished with all my heart she could be here with us. I gave her one last kiss and handed her over to the nurse. It seemed so wrong to not be taking her home. After all she was our child even if she wasn’t alive. We were the ones who created her with God’s help, why did we not have a say in whether she stays or goes? As we left the hospital with Clayton holding the suitcase and me holding all our memorials of the baby we once had, I wanted to die. This was so wrong! This should have been one of the happiest days of my life, just like it was after I delivered Arianna, yet I was in the bitter depths of despair.

 

 

Nov 9^th the day we came home from the hospital I started making phone calls to see where we should burry our sweet December Grace. I wanted her to be buried in the cemetery just up the street from our house. That way she could be close to us. Plus it was right next to the baseball fields, library and Rec center. What a fitting place to say goodnight to my angel. I made a call and by the time the day was over we had picked out her burial spot and had a rough draft of the ceremony.  I was in contact with the funeral home and we had it worked out that tomorrow afternoon we would have the burial. So we contacted all our family and a few friends and within 20 hrs. the funeral was done. I still have no idea how 2 grief stricken parents put together a somewhat decent burial ceremony in less then a day. But it all worked out and I was glad we had a spot for our baby girl. It wasn’t until after she was buried I realized how much having a spot for me to go to would be. The first week I went to her gravesite every night when I couldn’t sleep. It was my secret refuge, and I’m so glad we were able to get her there so quickly.  

 The first few days after losing December I kept thinking I was going to wake up and realize this was all a sick nightmare. It didn’t seem real. There is no way this could be real.  Yet every morning I would look in the mirror at my flat belly and realize this was my reality. I felt so betrayed by my body, how could it look so flat, how could it go back to normal so easily when I knew it was going to take months maybe even years for my heart to be able to function again? Then my milk came and I was so glad my body was doing everything it should be because there was a time, not long ago, that I hated my body for not being able to carry a child and do what it needed to do to create life. I know now that my body is a champ and does everything in its power to create and sustain beautiful life. At the same time I was proud of my body I was also hurt because this life sustaining milk and my aching breasts were supposed to be for my baby girl. It made me realize how unfair it was for me to have this “liquid gold” and no baby and how other moms have a child and no way of nursing their little ones. It made me want to have a baby… any baby who could benefit from what I had to give. After an excruciating week of fullness my body finally realized there was no baby to benefit from what it had to offer. That was a hard blow.

Two weeks went by and we got the results of the amnio. All her genes were in perfect order. There were no genetic factors for her sudden death. The only thing Dr's say that makes sense is that her ompholacele didn't have the protection of the umbilical cord around it and they think the veins in the umbilical cord right where the omphalocele was somehow got kinked and she passed shortly after. I belong to a group of mothers all of whom have omphalocele kids and none of them have ever had of this happening. It seems like God had other plans for her just like with all my other babies. I have gone to many Dr's trying to figure out our mystery and we have run out of options. There is nothing wrong with Clayton or I or our babies to cause them to pass away. They just pass. I like to think that God knows we are strong enough to be able to give life to these very special children who need a body but need to be able to stay in heaven to continue the work of the lord. I like to think God has chosen us to be creators in his divine plan that someday we will understand.
 

It’s now been 3 weeks or 22 days since December Grace entered and left this world.  I’m still in an insurmountable amount of pain. My heart aches and I want nothing more than to have my baby here. I think about her every second of every day. I miss her more than I ever thought possible. I know the truths of the Gospel and I do believe that I will see her and her other 4 siblings again someday. I know that God was co-creator of each of my children. I know that he counted the number of hairs on her head, and counted the days of her life even before she was conceived. I know he allowed her to touch the lives of many for his sake. It still doesn’t take away my pain and anguish right now. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have a thousand unanswered questions. And lord knows it doesn’t mean that I’m not angry and frustrated. It just means that I have faith. And right now that’s enough to keep me living each day.