My Children

While at my Dr's I had to get my blood drawn. The PA drawing my blood is pregnant with twins we talked about it alot when I was big and pregnant. So I asked her how her pregnancy was going, just making small talk. She told everyone she was done having kids after her first and she decided to try one more time and ended up getting pregnant with twins. She's in her older 30's and is very overwhelmed. I told her the story of when they couldn't find our 2nd child's heartbeat and we went into a clinic to get an ultrasound and the ultrasound tech (who obviously was a newby) told us we had twins and Clayton and I were overjoyed!! Then a few minutes later we got the news that she was wrong and there is only one baby in there and it's heart has stopped beating and he's only measuring at 14 weeks instead of 16.5 weeks. I laughed and said "that's probably why ultrasound tech's aren't allowed to say anything". I didn't think much of it because she was sharing stories about her life with me so I shared a story about my life with her. But after a few minutes she said she can't find a good vein and called in someone else to draw my blood. Again I didn't think much about it until I was driving home and realized I probably made her mad or sad because of my story. That was the last thing I was trying to do, I was just sharing my life just as she had done with me. I hate not talking about my life and experiences because it makes others "feel weird". Your life is yours and mine is mine, you have successfull pregnancies where I have only had 1 out of 6 be successfull. Things are different for everyone, I don't have lepracy where i can spread my "disease" onto you. I'm tired of hiding my children and pretending they didn't exist. I'm tired of only sharing the good things in my life with people. It remindes me of this poem that I found that hit the spot perfectly.

So if I talk about my experiences, please know that it's a part of me. I'm not going to hide and pretend that they didn't happen to spare you the "weird feeling". I am who I am because of my children... All my children. I'm not mad that you can create life that walks and lives and breathes on earth with ease, if anything i'm so happy it's so easy for you. Yes I wish it were me who could do that along with you but the fact is it's not that way for me. And guess what I'm OK with that, I'm ok that our lives are different.  Altho I have had more grief then most I have also had more joy and love then most also. I can't even explain the feelings of the upmost joy of holding Arianna the first time she came into my arms. It was the most amazing love and happiness I have ever felt. I can't explain to you the excitement and possibilities I obsessed about each time I saw a positive pregnancy test. These things I hold so tight in my heart. My heart has had more love and pain then I ever thought possible. I can honestly say i know what the scriptures mean when they say:

Jeremiah 31:13 For I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them, and make them rejoice from their sorrow.

John 16:22 And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you.

Alma 26:30 And we have suffered all manner of afflictions, and all this, that perhaps we might be the means of saving some soul; and we supposed that our joy would be full if perhaps we could be the means of saving some.

Alma 28:8 And this is the account of Ammon and his brethren, their journeyings in the land of Nephi, their sufferings in the land, their sorrows, and their afflictions, and their incomprehensible joy, and the reception and safety of the brethren in the land of Jershon. And now may the Lord, the Redeemer of all men, bless their souls forever

With everything we have gone through we have learned so much. We have proved oursleves over and over again. Turning our pain and sorrow into the joy of knowing God and his plan and having faith in Christ. I love how the 2nd scripture states: "and now therefore have sorrow". It drives me crazy when people say, "it will be ok". I know it will be ok because I will make it ok and I know the gospel and I have faith that I can learn from my afflictions. But it's ok for me to have sorrow!! Let me cry, let me breakdown, let me be sad! Jesus himself didn't tell people "it's fine that your loved one passed away you will see them again" NO he mourned with those that mourned, it's hard and we NEED to mourn. The one perfect thing that I was told during this great mourning in my life was "It's suppose to hurt". That was from our stake president's wife. She is amazing and understood that it's normal and ok for me to hurt and mourn. THANK YOU!!! That's what i needed to hear. I get so tired of trying to be strong for everyone.

Somehow in our society not showing emotions and putting on a fake smile makes you "strong". You see it all the time when trials and afflictions come the people who are "praised" are the ones who seem to not be affected by it. This is so wrong!! I did this for my 3 children who passed away at 17, 14 and 10 weeks. I told myself and everyone else "i'm fine" "everything's ok". I went absolutely crazy because I didn't allow myself to mourn and grieve. I know most people don't think that having a miscarriage is a big deal but if it's ever happened to you then you know it's HUGE! That is a living, breathing, growing, child with a spirit inside your body. It's all your hopes and dreams coming to a reality only to be taken from you. I like this photo that shows what women think.

Once you get the positive pregnancy test you start planning and obsessing about this beautiful human being you are creating. When it's gone you are left with nothing, and no one accepts that your child just died. Everyone expects you to get on with your life and they say "better luck next time" or " you're young you will have more". No one seems to understand that you lost so much more then a "fetus". You lost a part of you, you lost a loved child who you wanted more then anything else. Another pregnancy won't bring back your child, that was a unique human being with their own set of DNA and (in my opionin) there own unique spirit. I read a story once that a OBGYN was getting an etopic pregnancy from the fallopian tube and before the amniotic sac ruptured he saw the tiny baby moving and kicking like crazy he said that it was a teeny tiny baby with arms and legs and hands and feet but as soon as the sack ruptured and the baby's heart stopped beating it turned into and looked like what we see in the text books as a "fetus". I have read that the DNA from biological children remain in the mothers blood long after they are delivered or miscarried.  I have also heard that in the church handbook for bishops under "stillbirth" it says that life begins when there is a heartbeat and movement. I completely believe this. I have had ALOT of early ultrasounds and I have seen my "little bean" moving around with a heartbeat as early as 5 weeks. Also I have heard quite a few stories about children having seen their brother's or sister's who were miscarried in dreams or visions. I believe that these little ones can tap into a world that as we grow and harden our hearts we can't even imagine. I believe that the spirit enters the body and creates "life" long before you can ever imagine. I have lots of scriptures that I can bring out to prove my point but my favorite is in Luke when Mary goes to see her cousin Elizabeth after having concieved Jesus through immaculate conception.

Luke 1: 41-44

41 And it came to pass, that, when Elisabeth heard the salutation of Mary, the babe leaped in her womb; and Elisabeth was ^afilled with the Holy Ghost:

42 And she spake out with a loud voice, and said, Blessed art thou among ^awomen, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb.

43 And ^awhence is this to me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?

44 For, lo, as soon as the voice of thy salutation sounded in mine ears, the babe leaped in my womb for joy.

 

How can Elizabeth's babe leap for joy in her womb if her child (who is John the babtist) didn't have a spirit in his body by then? Also John the babtist and Jesus were only a few months apart in age from eachother. So John would have been about 6 months in his mothers womb and Jesus would have been just a few weeks along by then. How could Jesus' body have such an impact on these womens lives if Jesus didn't have a spirit by then? I could go on and on about all the scriptures I have learned but you have to come to know and accept these truths on your own.

 
I just got done watching one of the general conference talks and he points out exactly what I have always thought. He doesn't come right out and say children have life before they are born but it's in there.

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/protect-the-children?lang=eng

Protect the Children

By Elder Dallin H. Oaks
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

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None should resist the plea that we unite to increase our concern for the welfare and future of our children—the rising generation.

10491_000_28oaks

 We are all under the Savior’s command to love and care for each other and especially for the weak and defenseless.

Children are highly vulnerable. They have little or no power to protect or provide for themselves and little influence on so much that is vital to their well-being. Children need others to speak for them, and they need decision makers who put their well-being ahead of selfish adult interests.

From the perspective of the plan of salvation, one of the most serious abuses of children is to deny them birth.

One cause of the diminishing birthrate is the practice of abortion. Worldwide, there are estimated to be more than 40 million abortions per year.³ Many laws permit or even promote abortion, but to us this is a great evil. Other abuses of children that occur during pregnancy are the fetal impairments that result from the mother’s inadequate nutrition or drug use.

There is a tragic irony in the multitude of children eliminated or injured before birth while throngs of infertile couples long for and seek babies to adopt.

Childhood abuses or neglect of children that occur after birth are more publicly visible.


















These are just snipit's from his talk. The entire thing is AMAZING and I recomend you read it.

 

Again this post was much, much longer then I anticipated.