So Sad, Yet Greatful, Very Mad, and Adoption

We bought a storage locker (one of Clayton's new obsessions, this should help his hording...NOT) and were going through all the things. Clayton over spent by a bunch, because the locker was a dump. But while going through their stuff we ran across a poem book. One of the poems is as follows:

Pissed Off

I want to f****** drink,
Shoot up, cut my f****** leg
It all sounds so good
Poke that needle in my arm
Feel the warm rush though my veins
Keep the feeling coming by cutting a little deeper
Cut in my leg and watch it bleed
Drink enough to not remember any of what I did
Wake up and find my hot man
So I can make love to him to know someone cares
Then shoot up a little more, cut a little deeper, then drink some to not feel the pain and watch it bleed, and bleed and bleed.

~ Author unknown

This book was full of poems just like this. It broke my heart and made me feel so sad for this person. At the same time I was sad for this girls heartache I was so so so VERY happy my December Grace doesn't need to ever feel this way. She won't ever need to feel so alone and lost in the world she turns to drugs, hurting herself and sex to make her feel good.

In another poem this young lady wrote it talked about how she would cut herself and do more heroine then normal because she was hoping and praying that God would deliver her from her horrible situation. She wanted God to save her and take her away so she wouldn't have to live in this world anymore.

This struck me too. It's sad to hear and know what's going on in most peoples head as they try and figure this life out. I was greatful December doesn't need to face those challenges because she was taken way too soon. But, like always now, my thinking is never simple because as I was feeling greatful she doesn't have to suffer this life I was also mad. Mad because we found out as we were going through the locker that this young woman got pregnant by her boyfriend and now has a healthy (but funny lookin) little boy. I think that's great other people get to have everything work out, don't get me wrong, but I was mad because I saw glimpses of her life. I can pretty much guarantee she was drinking, smoking, and doing heroine through much of her pregnancy. There are pictures to prove this. Not only that but there are pictures of her little boy hanging out while her and her friends are partying. This poor little boy is watching his mommy and learning from her that what she's doing is ok. This is where it pisses me off. How can someone who is not taking care of themselves and totally destroying their body carry a child and have no issues? How can I who has only had one partner never touched anything bad and who wants and welocomes children so willingly have SOOO many issues??? No one can answer me that. Clayton and I are young healthy adults with no issues. I have to think there is a higher power and for whatever reason this is our challenge (maybe in the pre-mortal world I said hey I'll sign up to give your spirit children bodies). Or maybe it's just my problem I have to face in this life, but either way it just SUCKS!! Especially when I see and hear people destroying their bodies and thier lives who (in my opinion) aren't ready and shouldn't be having children. And they have children with such ease. They have no idea what they are creating is a complete miracle, they have no reguard for life... yet these people create life?? How does that work?? This will be on the top of my list when I see the big man because It doesn't make sense!!!!

Not only that but if I were Heavenly Father I would want to send my children to the best homes to have the best chances of making it back to me. Maybe it's just me being prideful but I think Clayton and I are amazing parents. Our children no matter who or what they become will have undonditional love. They will have the foundation of the true faith and religion (altho I can't make them believe it). They will have a structured loving and accepting home. Not only that but they will have the example of parents who are head over heals in love with eachother. Things that most children don't have the opportunity to have. Clayton has said to me before "I don't get it we are awesome parents does he not trust us with his children?".  That is exactly how it feels like oh crap you guys suck so I will just tease you these kids. And then I start thinking maybe we aren't as great as we think we are. In my head and heart I know that's wrong but that's how it feels. I also know that's Satan working his majic and boy how his majic dust works... but only if you let it. So then I just have to remember that there is something bigger going on and i don't understand it all nor will I ever until I'm re-united with my children and God.

I think that's why Clayton and I feel so strongly about adopting. Because in our opinion every child deserves to have a loving family they can call home. Just like every deserving couple deserves children to love them back and drive them BONKERS at times. I think that's another reason why we don't want to adopt infants. We both feel strongly about adopting older children... particually in foster care. It breaks our hearts to see children who want more then anything to have a family and don't. Most children adoptable in foster care are between the ages of 10 and 18 years old. I have fallen in love with one particular sibling pair. A young boy who will be turning 11 next month and his little sister who is 4. I'm not sure why these particular children keep coming into my mind. I even dreamed about them, and I still havn't had a dream about my sweet December Grace even tho I look at her picture every night before bed and pray that tonight I can see her, and yet I have a vivid dream about these two children. I feel like this is our next step in expanding our family and for whatever reason I feel like these two were ment to be ours. I havn't done anything about starting the foster adoption because i feel like i'm betraying December but this last week I kept getting the strongest urges to get going with the paperwork. I finally got the right number I need to call to get going with everything so that is my goal for next week is to figure out everything we need to do. I feel like this is the perfect and right thing to do. I'm scared out of my mind. I know these kids come with ALOT of baggage, emotional scars, and psycological issues. I'm scared out of my mind about raising a pre-teen boy!! But in my dream the boy was my favorite and I thought he was the "bees knees". Uuuggghhhh I hate having these strong urges and yet so much fear and a fresh open sore to deal with. Life is confusing and crazy but you gotta roll with the punches and go with your gut sometimes :)

Wow that was alot more writing then I was expecting!!